How to have a woke Christmas

This morning, Liv, our Editor-in-Chief, received the following email from a journalist at the London Evening Standard newspaper:

White man brings copy of @galdemzine into the office. White man becomes the authority on all things ‘woke’. White man is commissioned to write about how to be woke at xmas over poc. How? pic.twitter.com/1VFE49NNwW

— Liv Little (@livlittle) December 13, 2017

As she succinctly tweeted, it’s a classic case of women of colour being asked to provide their input and knowledge for free, instead of actually being commissioned and renumerated for their labour.

But, in the spirit of Christmas and giving, if a woke guide to xmas is something average white dudes want, then that’s exactly what they’ll get!

Here are 24 ways to ensure that you have a woke, litty, milly-rocky Christmas. Please feel free to copy and paste this article for your own publications, sis:

1. Make sure to season your turkey. Nothing screams socially unconscious like a bland bird. Maybe try some jerk seasoning, and if you don’t have that, Heinz BBQ sauce will do!

2. Don’t watch It’s A Wonderful Life, that’s problematic. Try Tyler Perry’s A Madea’s Christmas instead, he’s black, he must be woke?

3. If Tyler Perry isn’t readily available, just watch Get Out – apparently it’s a comedy, a romance and a Christmas film

4. Listen to Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” on repeat and make sure you mutter at least five ironic remarks into the mason jar you’ll no doubt be drinking from

5. Dab at the end of every hymn just so that Jesus knows you’re down with the kids

6. If you’re feeling cheeky, why not just throw the n-word into “Hark the herald angels sing”? I mean, if Jay-Z can say it…

7. When the food is on the table, ask your mum where the Jollof is because that’s what all your black friends are eating

8. Cook rice and peas for your friends and family for a traditional Jamaican Christmas, using Marco Pierre White’s recipe

9. Instead of wrapping paper, use grime album covers – it’s cost efficient AND proves that you’ve got your ear to the ground

10. If your aunty gets you a Jack Wills jumper again kmt (kiss my teeth) make sure she keeps the receipt so you can exchange it for Adidas

11. Make sure you stand in the shadow of the Christmas tree so whenever someone says something contentious, you can say “OOH SHADE”. Ha ha. Clever

12. If you run out of pigs in blankets, call your mum ‘Felicia’ to signal your displeasure

13. Instead of saying grace, just say ‘lit’ 53 times

14. Tell everyone at the dinner table about your New Year’s Resolution to become a better ally. Make sure you cry as you think about the injustices in the world

15. Give mince pies a miss, bit too spicy

16. While you’re at it, give mulled wine a miss too. Those spices are a bit too #vibes for the tastebuds

17. Use leftover gravy to stick down your edges because that’s what the black girls seem to be doing

18. Instead of watching the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special, complain because we all know the black one off X Factor should have won this year. Leona Lewis?

19. When the rest of your family decide they want to play board games, tell them you want to play devil’s advocate instead

20. If someone says ‘Christmas’, correct them with ‘Er, don’t you mean Kwanzaa mate?’

21. Over cookies and milk, have a chat with Santa about how Meghan and Harry’s engagement really is the marker for a post-racial society

22. Make sure to complain about your problematic relatives on Twitter – or, even better, report their discriminatory remarks back to your PoC friends in great detail. No need to actually intervene

23. Don’t watch the Queen’s Speech. As Stormzy would say, she’s a pagan/paigon (we aren’t quite sure of the spelling). Put on the late, great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s I Have a Dream and reflect on your shortcomings as a white person instead. This day isn’t about us! Remember?!

24. If your family has a painting of white Jesus: burn it, burn it to the ground. Everyone knows he was black